“Not today,” she belts out on stage, and for that moment, I was not one of many in attendance at a concert. It was just her and I and it made perfect sense. I wandered in and out of my past and let her music become the soundtrack to my reflections. I watched her pour her emotions into the microphone from the balcony and felt the notes she sang caress my skin and lift my troubles away. She hugged me with her voice and used her words to remind me that it would be ok. I am here, with amazement in my eyes, that such a find could still exist in a market so saturated. I felt goosebumps as she sang my pains, my joys, my regrets, my loves, and in an instant made a fan. Then, took the time to acknowledge that bond.
We all have made mistakes. So perhaps mine was getting to excited or hoping for too much too soon. I have a habit of giving up the gold for grains of sand that slip through my hands. Life keeps pace as things fall away. You know what they say? About good things? The cliches that end them all. I keep thinking that if I write it all down, the good things, then I can possibly save them. But the naivety in me keeps me from acknowledging the red flags. There were so many red flags and warning signs, signaling that if I choose to go down this road, I might find it hard to make my way back. But still, I closed my eyes, stood in the pitch black room and pushed forward with the resolve that eventually, we all lose part of who we are. This is what love is supposed to feel like, right? It’s supposed to pull you apart, expose your insecurities and leave you lying face down on the floor, right? I swore up and down that I knew better than they did, and that what we had would surely last. The only catch was to was to figure out how to keep us from getting tainted. Everything created eventually expires, and our love was no different. As she sang Rearview, I tried not to look at the past through rose colored glass. For a long time, I searched for the ground underneath my feet as the city burns. I spent too long trying to hang on to us and whatever else I could find.
The evening progressed, and the tempo changed and I understood what she meant. I would have never known that I could have survived this, if I never tried at all. So, cheers to the fall. Because if the fall must be recognized as an unchangeable eventuality, then I hope you go down as I did. On your own terms. Pride in tact, dreams in hand, love on your sleeve and belting out every last note that you possibly can.
© Dora Acosta, 2016
*The bold words are titles of songs on Andra Day’s album Cheers To The Fall. There are also some intentional song lyrics woven in there. Check out her music, available on Spotify, Amazon, iTunes, Apple Music, and anywhere else you love to listen to your music.